My dear gram

Today was an interesting day. It was a long one that reminded me of the ache deep inside where the love of my grandma once filled. Today, I helped someone through a panic attack, twice. Today I rocked a one year old to sleep, prepped for a 1st birthday party, baby shower, and bachelorette party (which are all within 24 hours of one another). I made some important decisions regarding treatment. I saw people who have forever wounded and altered my life. I tucked a 4 year old to bed who asked if I’d sleep with her. Upon laying down together, she asked to snuggle and whispered she loved me in my ear. I read an account of rape written by someone I know. I read about the importance of belonging to a set group of people as a part of their family.  And I read about what it’s like for adoption dissolution for the adoptee… To go from belonging to not. My day today was one that left me throuroughly exhausted.

And I cried. Wishing my grandmother was still alive to say how proud Of me she was and to listen as I expressed to her the ups and downs of my day; to have someone cook for me, take me to the movies, ask me how I am doing. I miss being asked how I am. I miss feeling encouraged and not so on my own in some really hard places.
I feel robbed of this adult relationship with her. I feel robbed of being able to know much of my biological heritage. And I feel robbed of love. Today was beautifully challenging. And today, I miss my dear gram. Because sometimes healing and grief are far longer processes than we are prepared for.