My dear gram


Today was an interesting day. It was a long one that reminded me of the ache deep inside where the love of my grandma once filled. Today, I helped someone through a panic attack, twice. Today I rocked a one year old to sleep, prepped for a 1st birthday party, baby shower, and bachelorette party (which are all within 24 hours of one another). I made some important decisions regarding treatment. I saw people who have forever wounded and altered my life. I tucked a 4 year old to bed who asked if I’d sleep with her. Upon laying down together, she asked to snuggle and whispered she loved me in my ear. I read an account of rape written by someone I know. I read about the importance of belonging to a set group of people as a part of their family.  And I read about what it’s like for adoption dissolution for the adoptee… To go from belonging to not. My day today was one that left me throuroughly exhausted.

And I cried. Wishing my grandmother was still alive to say how proud Of me she was and to listen as I expressed to her the ups and downs of my day; to have someone cook for me, take me to the movies, ask me how I am doing. I miss being asked how I am. I miss feeling encouraged and not so on my own in some really hard places.
I feel robbed of this adult relationship with her. I feel robbed of being able to know much of my biological heritage. And I feel robbed of love. Today was beautifully challenging. And today, I miss my dear gram. Because sometimes healing and grief are far longer processes than we are prepared for.

About Syndal Leigh

Avid reader and peppermint tea drinker, softball coach, and crafter who has a love for roasted cauliflower and pizza and is learning the best things in the world are simple, sometimes countercultural, and extraordinarily normal.

2 responses »

  1. I am sure your Gram is so proud of you as she watches you living, loving, giving, and healing in a world full of unpredictable joys and sorrows. And I am sure she loves and is honored by your tender heart. I am proud of you too.

    Liked by 1 person

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