I didn’t choose this, dear friend.

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Dear friends,

I know you know this, but I love you dearly. I know you love me too, but I forget often. I’m filled with thoughts of how unloveable I am, how much of a mess I am, how unkempt and unpretty my life can seem. Many days I feel worthless, so I don’t always believe you love me. Somedays I believe depression.

Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness, those are actually the days I am fighting my hardest

Depression has a nasty snarl around my life. I know you prefer the sunny days, the brighter ones, free from anxiety, free from worry, filled with wonder and exploration. I know you prefer these for me, and for us. Oh friend, how I prefer those days too. I wish I could have these days every day because depression terrifies me. It literally prevents me from life, from the brightness and joy I know Jesus has created me to be. Oh but friend, I try. I try, and I try, and I have not given up. I hope you see the fight in me, that on my hardest of days, I have not given up, in fact, I am holding on with more strength than I knew possible. Please see how strong I am.

Behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my laugh I’m falling apart, look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am… it isn’t me.

I wish I could have more days where I am more free, more present with you, more able to engage you. But I can’t. I can sense the heaviness come over me, clouding my eyes, heavying my chest, weighing on me from top to bottom. I try to push out of it, to throw it off, but friend the only way out is through.

Often the people with the strongest hearts carry the heaviest ones.

The journey through terrifies me. It feels like I’m losing control and losing my mind. Please, if you notice it happening before I am able to say it, please grab my hand and say you’re with me and you love me. If you ask me if I am ok, I will likely say yes. If you ask me how I am, I will likely say good/fine/okay. Please notice my pain and I am not able to articulate it. Please meet me there. Please help me to understand you are not scared of me or these feelings of mine.

I’m so broken that I can feel it. I mean, physically feel it. This is so much more than being sad now. This is affecting my whole body.

I know I seem to overreact at times. I know it’s confusing. I know sometimes you feel like your trying is never good enough or what I need. I know you sometimes receive anger from me when it’s not justified. I know you understand why it happens. And I know it’s hard for you nonetheless. Depression makes me angry and I can’t think well when I am angry. I am so sorry for this. It’s not an emotion I’ve felt often enough or seen handled well enough to know what to do with, so I feel more distant and disconnected.

Friend, when you notice I seem disconnected, please reach a hand out and connect with me. Tell me you love me and you are FOR me. Rub my back, hug me, sit with me. Remind me you are for me, not against me. Remind me you are on my side, that you know I will make it through, that you aren’t leaving me. Remind me that you can see how hard I try. Believe things alive, right into my very heart.

People think depression is sadness.People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to lie. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren’t really days; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting. When you’re depressed, you grasp on to anything that can get through the day. That’s what depression is, not sadness or tears, it’s the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.

It can be hard to understand depression when you have not experienced it. I get that. I was like that too. Please always know that I respect you most when you ask me questions, because too often I am not able to just say what I would like to.

There’s many times when I feel like you are better off without me, that I have ruined you, ruined me, ruined others. I feel like you deserve better than me and I can’t ever be enough, no matter how much I try, I will always struggle, and sometimes I wonder if you are better off without me. I rarely will tell you. I fear you’re already too tired to hear from me. Sometimes I may not think it for weeks, other times I fight those thoughts every moment for months. Please watch out for me. Please tell me you see me. Please tell me I am worth it, worth this fight, to you and know that I won’t believe it on the dark days, ever. But don’t hesitate to tell me. I need it. Those are never wasted words, ever. I do remember. And they do fill me. Please hold hope for me.

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad

I feel like there’s a silence that I keep, one that has me balancing feeling “too” much for you and also not enough for you, one that teeters on wanting to look normal, but feeling so isolated and crazy. Depression is ugly. Most days it takes so much courage for me to get out of bed. No one knows. No one sees that. I force myself to eat sometimes, because I know it’s good for me. I shower and wish I didn’t have to. I make it through. There’s a silence I have to keep. Help me to break the silence. Please know I try, am trying, to find healing in Jesus.

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds

Please know I am being healed. I want you to be a part of this, dear friend. A part of the healing. Please stay with me and fight this alongside me. You know who I am. You’ve seen me love fiercely, give lavishly, extend mercifully. You know many of the parts of who I am in Jesus that are fighting for healing, for greater strength. Don’t hesitate to remind me of those things, to remind me of who I am, of how good I am, of how good God has made me.

Please be with me. And know I am trying and I am fighting, for me, for us, for healing, for the Kingdom. But mostly, know I don’t want to be here and I didn’t choose this. And know I love you, deeply.

FMF: TRY

 

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11 responses »

  1. In my eyes, you are a hero.

    I don’t suffer from depression; I have PTSD which is at the ‘very severe’ end of the scale. My wife has to wake me from across the room (we can’t share a room, much less a bed), and for me…every sudden sound will send me into a combat crouch.

    I know the feeling of weight; I know how hard you are fighting.

    Please consider this a hug, and an exhortation…you are NEVER out of the fight.

    I won’t quit if you don’t.

    Here from FMF; I am #16 this week.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As someone who also struggles with depression and like Andrew, PTSD (although milder), this post resonates so much with me. Such brave words and so much truth. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. It is so hard to want to try sometimes when depression is whispering in your ear and making you feel all the horrible things it makes you feel and the numbness that makes you NOT feel as well. Lots of hugs sent across the internet to you, my friend! I’m in this fight with you and I’ll stand in solidarity and support with you. Sending up prayers for you tonight as well. God bless you and keep you strong and fighting!

    In the peace of Christ,
    Valerie
    Your #28 FMF neighbour

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Syndal – Your words. Your soul. Your cry. Thank you for sharing, so eloquently. Although I have never been to the depths you describe, I certainly relate to the cry for love. I am all about relationship, and if I feel the lack of love, it makes it difficult to continue. You are loved. You are loved. From across the distance of this cyber-connection, I love you, Syndal. Jesus loves you so much. God loved you before you were born. He knows you, He knows your heart. He feels your pain. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary,and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not be faint.” I pray that you continue to hope in the Lord. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your words strike a chord with me. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. I have been in the valley you describe. I want to reach out through cyberspace and give you a hug. I want to hold you close and tell you to hang on. And when you don’t have the strength or the will to hang on any longer, fall into the arms of Jesus. He’s got you. He will never let you go. He will whisper to you, “Just breathe. I love you. I am with you.” It’s so hard to hear His still small voice through all the hurt and the pain and the memories that hound you, but please just know He is singing loving words over you–even when you can’t hear Him.

    If you ever need someone to listen–to hear you, please reach out to someone. My email is elizabeth@blessedbeyondthemess.com . I hear your heart and I pray Jesus soothes your pain.

    You matter. You are here for a purpose–even on the really hard days. Don’t ever let yourself be robbed of knowing that. Nothing is ever ruined so bad that God can’t redeem it. He is SO good at bringing beauty out of brokenness. Give Him access to your hurt so He can heal it.

    Your Sister in Christ & in suffering, Elizabeth

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tears are steaming down my face. My mom and sister daily struggle with bipolar disorder. Your words speak so much truth to me and I feel like they were written just for me. Thank you!! Beautiful post! I’m visiting from FMF where I’m parked in the #11 spot this week!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This writing is so raw and so moving and so open and honest, I pray you have someone to talk to and you have a wise friend with a lot of patience to stay ‘with you’ as you journey through this time of your life.

    Liked by 1 person

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