I long to be whole. There have been many points in my life that I can recall feeling immense joy and satisfaction. I imagine that what I felt in those moments and seasons is only a fraction of the warmth that whole-hearted living brings.
A couple of years I go I began a journey to look at all the stuff that was inside me, all the things that clogged up my heart from giving and receiving grace-filled love. I didn’t know that opening such deep caverns would be so painful, so heartbreaking. I had no idea the types of losses that would occur on the road to healing. I had no idea that there were places so deep in my heart that God has yet to penetrate. I didn’t even know they existed.
“The past is so tangible, I know it by heart. Familiar things are never easy to discard. And I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go. I’m caught between the promise and the things I know…the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I know and the roads were closed off to me, while my back was turned.” -Sara Groves
And now, I feel as if I am pleading for God to close it, to close my heart. The caverns are painful and lonely and sad, very sad. They bleed wide open and it feels like they will never end, like I’m dying. And it could be a while before He brings healing and wholeness to those fractured and sore, raw, exposed places. And today, just this morning, I was begging God to close my heart, because I could live just fine with a closed heart. I loved and gave and felt fulfilled in many ways before my heart was as open as it is now.
But I am also learning that though it’s incredibly painful to remain open, to remain raw, to be vulnerable, I don’t think I could close my heart if I wanted to. I don’t think it’s possible to go back to being what was, now that I’ve become something new, or am becoming something new. I don’t really want to either. I want to be remain open, compassionate, engaging, and kind. Even though the temptation to close my heart, to shut it’s doors and protect my very soul is strong. This is the harder path, albeit maybe a lonelier one for now.